I’ve been thinking (“You’re always thinking,” my husband says). While there have been many things to worry about during this time of pandemic and sheltering in place, my worries have all taken up residence in the issue of grocery shopping. Early on, I arrived at “my” store (HEB, a Texas institution) at 6 am to wait for it to open at 8 so I could get a package of toilet paper. A week later, this introvert arrived home from her weekly grocery shopping trip completely stressed out over having to pay so much attention to those around her in order to keep a safe distance away from everyone. As a result, I have resorted to curbside pickup.

This is where it’s gotten interesting. Perfect solution, right? No, I still stressed out over grocery shopping. There’s been the learning curve for using this method, from forgetting to check out to thinking I’d scheduled pickup when I hadn’t completed the process. The bananas I ordered were so green they took a month to ripen. And the coconut milk my husband likes is in the store, but I can’t order it online. The day after I’d made a daring foray into the store to snag the coconut milk, my Dear One mentioned that he thought he might be getting a rash from our laundry soap (I’d had to get a different scent than usual, due to availability). My first thought was a panicked internal wail, “But I just went to the store. Just went into the store!”

I stood back from this and realized that I’m way too upset about this grocery thing. What in the world is going on with me? Once I ordered the “right” laundry soap (hurray, the store had some now!), I calmed down and thought about it. I’ve been the designated “food person” in my household for going on 39 years. I plan the menus, write the list, go to the store, compare the prices, use the coupons, choose the produce…ah, that was it. That word “choose,” a close relation of the word “control.” All these years, I’ve had a fair amount of control over this aspect of my life. These days, I’m having to let someone else pick my bananas, along with all the other things that trying to avoid the virus has taken out of my control.

The issue of choice and control is at the heart of much of the controversy and anxiety surrounding the pandemic. It’s why some folks are protesting shelter at home orders, refusing to wear masks, and buying as much toilet paper as they can get their hands on. The power to choose is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. However, it can only take us so far. At some point, we come up against uncertainties, like the myriad uncertainties we are facing because of COVID-19. In the midst of this, I still have a choice–to frantically focus on trying to control the groceries or to entrust this and all the other uncertainties to God, to loosen my grip and see what He will do. I want to be able to do this, but I’m going to have to start small. I ordered bananas again this week.